Dear Puppy, Please Don’t Sit On My Lap When I’m Typing

Why can’t I type when you’re in my lap?

When I’m typing and you’re sitting in my lap, your movements make it hard for me to have steady hands. You’re small but you wiggle around a lot. Then when I move my hand to get back on the right key, I make mistakes.

I write because it’s fun and sometimes I do it so people can read what I’ve written, but sometimes words are just for me. When you sit in my lap while I’m trying to type and keep moving around, that makes it so that the words don’t work anymore. Sometimes when that happens it makes me want to yell at you, which is not nice and doesn’t help anyone.

So please let me know if you need a walk or food or water (or love), but please let me know before you move into my lap while I’m typing. That way the words will still work the way they’re supposed to and we’ll both be happy with how things turn out: no yelling from me, no scolding from you (I hope).

Can I just move you over a little?

You’ve already snuggled up and said, “I’m not leaving.” No matter. Space is a human construct, and you’re clearly in the mood to embrace your dog side and take advantage of a good lap-sitting opportunity.

Fine! All right! Take my laptop. My keys. My book (if I were reading one)!

But can you please move over just a little bit? It’s okay if there’s no longer space for me to see the screen. Just…

Could you maybe sit on the left side of my thighs instead of the right? That way, my hand would at least be free enough that I could type…

Hey! How about I put something under your paws so that I’m not stuck in this position forever because my legs have gone numb?!

I know it’s hard for me to focus on typing when you’re wagging your tail and sitting on my lap.

I know it’s hard for me to focus on typing when your tail is wagging so much. I understand that you want me to pat you, or pay attention to you; but I just can’t, because my hands are busy working on the keyboard. Also, the tip of your tail is right under my nose and it’s distracting me. Your breath smells nice and fresh, but sometimes when you yawn I get a whiff of something else.

It’s difficult for me to type with you sitting on my lap because, well…you’re adorable! Plus your fur feels soft and lovely against my legs, even if it does shed everywhere and make me sneeze every time we cuddle in bed at night. (But that might be why I love snuggling with you so much!) Did I mention that your tiny feet have little nails? Those nails can make holes in some materials if they scratch too hard on them—so next time please use the scratching post if you get itchy!

You have your own bed!

Yes, I know that you have a bed. It was carefully selected, and purchased for you with my hard-earned money. It’s in the corner of the living room, out of the way and not taking up too much space. It is made of memory foam, so it will conform to your body like a soft hug from an old friend; it has a waterproof cover that can be easily wiped clean in case there are any spills (you are still getting used to drinking from your bowl); it has sturdy bolsters on three sides that allow your little head to rest comfortably while you sleep (you are still getting used to sleeping through the night).

But I’ve noticed that instead of using this amazing bed, which is meant for you and is perfectly suited for all your needs, you insist on curling up beside me on my couch even though there isn’t actually enough room for both of us and I end up awkwardly squished against the armrest. You tend to push me off entirely when I try to shift positions. And sometimes when I’m just sitting there minding my own business trying to type something on my laptop, you just plop right down onto my lap instead! Do you do this because you’re lonely? Because you don’t like being alone in another room? Or maybe it’s because the floor is cold?

I don’t know why but if we could fix this one issue our life together would be so much easier!

But I like having you there. It’s so nice when we are close.

It’s true: I like having you there. It’s so nice when we are close. When you’re content, it gives me a deep sense of peace and well-being, even if it means sitting on my lap when I’m trying to type. It feels good to have an animal who loves me so much that they want to be right up in my face all the time, even if it does make typing hard.

But there is a time and place for everything. There are times when I have work to do and need you to give me space in order for me to stay focused on what I’m doing. There are also times when you need space because you need alone time or your own territory or something, just as people sometimes do.

I don’t want to say that we shouldn’t sit together on the couch ever again with your paw resting on my leg while I type this blog post about puppy behavior, but maybe we could both use some pet training tips from a professional because this kind of thing can get out of hand pretty quickly.

A short blog post about a puppy and its owner who can’t get anything done because of the puppy.

When you look at your puppy, your heart swells with love. You want to pet him and play with him, but your homework is due soon and you really need to get it done.

Unfortunately, when he sees you doing work on your laptop, he assumes it’s time to play! He jumps up on your lap and starts wagging his tail wildly, looking up at you as if to say “Do something! Throw me a ball or let’s have a tickle fight or break into spontaneous song!”

It’s hard not to love that little face. But the fact remains that no matter how much he loves you (and we both know it’s a lot), sometimes there are other important things in life besides hanging out with him.Dear Puppy,

Please Don’t Sit On My Lap When I’m Typing.

I love you a lot. There are so many things I love about you. You’re cute, smart, and very good at begging for food. But please don’t sit on my lap when I’m typing.

There are so many other things we can do together to have fun that don’t involve sitting on my lap while I’m trying to work. We could go to the park! Or we could play with one of your toys together! But sitting on my lap while I’m typing is not one of those activities that we can do together, especially if it involves licking my face immediately after someone else kisses me (yes, that has happened, and it was gross).

I just want you to know that there are so many other things that you can do with me besides sitting on my lap when I’m typing. We can take walks together! And then we can come home and cuddle! But if you sit on my lap while I’m trying to type an email or a blog post, I get really frustrated and then I yell at you in a way that’s not nice and usually involves shoving you off of me while still typing because now the words coming

Dear Puppy,

Please don’t sit on my lap when I’m typing. I know you want to cuddle, but you’re crushing my hands and I can’t feel my toes anymore.

Love,

[blog name]

Dear Puppy,

Please don’t sit on my lap when I’m typing. It’s not that I don’t love you, because I do! You are the cutest thing in the world, and I want to smush your face all the time. But right now I’m trying to work. And when you sit on my lap, it really hurts my wrists and my back gets really sore.

I know that’s not what you want. You just want to be close to me and give me kisses, and I love that! So what if we compromise by coming up with something that works for both of us? How about if you have a special place to sleep next to me while I work? We can even put a blanket there so it’s super comfy. And when you get tired of laying there, maybe we can play some games with your toys or go for a walk outside?

Then after work is over, we can spend as much time together as you want! So what do you say?

Dear Puppy,

Please don’t sit on my lap when I’m typing.

I love you.

Dear Puppy, We love each other so much. It’s so great. I can’t wait to see you when I get home from work. Do you feel the same way? I think you do!

But I have to ask: please don’t sit on my lap when I’m typing.

I know, I know—it seems like a good idea in the moment. You’re little and cute, and you think it’ll be fun for us to be close together while I write a blog post about how much we love each other. But it’s not! When you sit on my lap while I’m typing, it messes up the keyboard and makes it hard for me to work. And this is really important work—my job depends on it! So we need to respect each other’s space while we’re at work so that when we’re done working, we can spend all of our free time playing together and cuddling and doing things that are fun for both of us. Thanks for understanding!

Dear Puppy,

Don’t sit on my lap when I’m typing. It’s very distracting. I can’t see what I’m typing, and it makes my screen all blurry in your reflection.

Even though you’re handsome, and I like having you around, it’s a little bit much.

Please stop sitting on my lap when I’m typing.

Dear Puppy,

Please don’t sit on my lap when I’m writing. I know you want attention, but I can’t give it to you right now.

I’m trying to write an essay about the perils of puppy ownership for my comedy blog and this is a very serious matter. My readers are expecting me to turn in something that’s at least mildly amusing and if I don’t finish it by tomorrow, they’ll think I’ve lost my touch.

I just need to get through this one last paragraph so please—please—get off my lap and let me type!

I love you, but this is important.

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